Administration urges abstinence; failing that: rhythm method

According to our government's faith-based abstinence programs masquerading as health and sex education classes, "condoms fail to prevent HIV transmission 31 percent of the time."

31 percent is a big number, and a very scary number. So big and scary, in fact, that it's actually about 11% higher than your chance of getting HIV from a single unprotected encounter [infected male to female]. That article, which is the only one I could find with that kind of statistic, estimated the likelihood of contracting HIV from someone who is positive at "male-to-female is 0.1% to 20%, and from female-to-male, 0.01% to 10%."

That's kind of an old page, but it requires us to ask a question of this federally mandated condom data: What is it about condom use--about wrapping yourself in a non-permeable membrane--that makes you between 150 and 300% more likely to get what he or she has?

Phrased differently: how can going condomless give you a better chance of not getting the HIV or the black crud?

Maybe there's something we AIDSless condom-lovers have been overlooking. Maybe out little latex wingmen are in collusion with the viruses and their harbingers of genital infirmity.

That seems to be what these federally-funded programs want our stupid, impressionable children to think.

Children hear: "Sex out of wedlock can give you HIV." Then they hear: "Using condoms during sex doesn't help you stay disease free." Then, of course: "In conclusion, everyone stay sex-free until marriage and you'll have an unspoiled bridal chamber to invite Jesus into."

Fine. But that last thing comes out like: "In conclusion, condoms don't work and they're expensive and you only have a paper route and your parents would fucking freak if they caught you with them."

Their bodies--the little logic machines that they are--say: "Shit, I just won't use condoms."

In using scare tactics to frighten kids away from sex and corral their hormonal urges, we've caused a stampede of ignorance and now the ankles of more little girls than ever are swelling up and they're puking on the bus on their way to sixth grade, scared to death to tell anyone because their teachers now tell them that abortion makes you sterile.

And we hear declared that the faith-based system works, and--for all the kids and parents know--it does, because no one is allowed to talk about things like pregnancy rates. Discourse gives kids ideas.

But lack of data is not the same as positive data. Refusing to sponsor studies into the effectiveness of abstinence programs is not vindication, it's ignorance. And when sex is involved, ignorance is deadly.

Until we realize that--four years at least--we're going to be saying, in our houses of learning, "kids, if you want to stay disease free, do what Dr. President says, and never ever even speak about your desires and the strange things that are happening to your bodies, not even to Jesus. Sex makes him cry."

"And boys, the rush of blood to that strange, sponge-like appendage in your midsection is Satan telling you to sin. Don't give in. For God's sake don't touch it, even if you want to. Only bad young men touch it and bad young men don't get into heaven."

Then they hear Belinda Carlisle, Satan's succubal puppet, retort, "ah yes, but we'll make heaven a place on earth."

For God's sake--seriously--when it comes to male/female relations or the lack thereof, who is your 12-year-old going to listen to:

Dr President or Nelly?

Nelly knows who.